REASONS WHY THE CLUB IS NOT MADE FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.

I wrote this while seating a club and regretting my decision to go out.

Before you start to judge me, keep in mind that I’m a lazy hardworking person. Now, having grown up in the cool paced city of Ibadan, “I’m just not a night out on the town” kinda person.

I was raised to seat my butt at home like a good Christian daughter that I am, but then I went through my wilding out phase. This phase lasted for about 2 years and I enjoyed every bit of it. You know those cute as button girls you see in the club from Thursdays to Saturdays, that was my friends and I. I drank till I couldn’t feel my face and I danced till my feet hurt, but that was then.

Nowadays, after waking up by 5am, getting to work before 7:30am and working 10-12 hours a day, 5 times a week, Saturdays for the side hustles, and Sunday for Church, book club meetings, and the occasional brunch while finding time to make my hair and stay mentally sane, I have no time to go to the club.

My friend’s birthday party was hosted in a club and all in did was video call in a couple of times and I went to sleep like a good child.

I mean, I barely get enough sleep as it is and adding clubbing to my to do list would be suicide. My idea of a perfect night out is a quiet diner or restaurant with good ambiance, cocktails, delicious food with second helpings. All I want is a nice meal with friends in a room where I don’t have to scream to be heard. Just give me anywhere with food, friends and comfortable clothes. Heck, give me some PJs and flip-flops and I’m in heaven.

First these clubs don’t let you in when you are wearing slippers, like what the heck, ‘I’m just trying to party while been comfortable, is that a crime? I wear high heels almost all week long, can’t I just rest my feet and arches. And don’t get me started on this dress I’m wearing. As women why do we have to dress to nines in a club? My dress is a sliver sequins, off shoulder dress, it’s long enough to be decent and short enough to be sexy, but anyone that has worn sequins knows its itchy thus making it uncomfortable.

Then the music. Oh my God, the loud music that makes your head and eardrums hurt, I can’t stand it. It’s ear piercing music gives me headaches for days.

The unspoken rule at the club is to wear as little cloth as possible but then they crank up the air conditioning to the heavens and almost give me hypothermia. I am literally freezing my cute little behind off in this place.

I can stay wide awake till 4am in my own bed scrolling through Instagram and Twitter but I can’t stay awake past 1am in a club. Yup, that’s me. I am the weird girl that falls asleep in a club. Don’t laugh at me, I’m just not cut out for this night life.

So this is my own form of a PSA: do not invite me to a club unless I can show up in comfy clothes and shoes, there is a 3 course meal waiting for me and I can go home before 1:30am. Please invite me for brunch though, I’ll have so much juicy gist for you, well order brunch, drinks and dinner with the condition that I get home before 8pm because I’m still a Yoruba daughter living at home with a curfew.

Have a lovely week and don’t forget to stay hydrated during this heat wave.